it's really foggy tonight. christian says its like the mist. i think its like the fog. either way, its a horror movie and i dont look forward to biking back to rains by myself. well. i kinda do. its gorgeous outside. nippy and chilly and you can feel water droplets on your face. mmmmhm a little slice of heaven.

it brings me back to when i was younger. it was on the way to sjc one morning, and i think i asked a semi-rhetorical question to the car (my mom and my all-knowing brother) about how i would love to feel a cloud. he answered me, asking if i remembered ever being in fog, which by then, i had, so i said yes. he told me that was a cloud (and, upsettingly enough, broke the illusion that clouds are fluffy, bouncy, and fun. lame older brother).

but the good part to that is that whenever there's fog, no matter how scary or creepy or whatever it is, or the time at night, i always feel connected to home. and i always reach out to touch it; the more dense it is, the happier i get. ohhh and that one time, this past january, when he drove me down to LA for alternative break.... we drove through the fog on I-152, and i dunno how he explained it in scientific terms or whatever, but it was blue. oh man it was beautiful. it almost felt like .... i dunno, we should be filming a movie or something.

this fog makes me happy. its so dense that riding through the night will let my eyelashes catch the rain drops, and it looks like a fancy photo effect over my eyes

^_^

--Tifanie

^_^

despite the name of this post, im super happy. not JUST super embarrassed. haha

anyways:

so everyone i know and everyone-i-knows' mothers all know that i went to see RENT last night (Tuesday night) at the orange county performing arts center (OCPAC: beautiful place, i might add). (like it was literally 24 hours ago i got back to LMU). and everyone i know and most-of-everyone-i-knows' mothers know that i went to see RENT this past march at the pantages and loved it ^_^ *insert sigh of happiness*. the only one tiny little thing that i wish i coulda done at the march show was meet or see anthony rapp and adam pascal. theyre basically the GODS of RENT. like im not kidding. you think im am, but really i'm not.

anyways. RENT was still really cool then, but one day right after school had started, i was surfing facebook (yayyy facebook!) and they have those crazy sidebar ads which are literally catered to your facebook profile (its creepy; when i said i was "married" to steph, they started sending me: "so you're married in LA" ads. It was pretty funny. and pretty legit. and stalkerish. nice, facebook. nice.) and one of them was about RENT coming to the OCPAC on a continuation of the broadway tour! i almost screamed i was so excited. not gonna lie. of course, i have a car now, so i could totally go by myself but i figured someone else would want to enjoy the experience with me, so i asked amanda on the track team (who saw it at the pantages the week before spring break) and we agreed to go october 20th.

haha we had to work so hard to remember to keep the entire day free; it was pretty outrageous and funny.

side-story: because i knew so far in advance that i was going (i got the tickets like the fourth week of school, aka the end of AUGUST), I just started doodling. last year, i drew a mimi while watching RENT with hannah and i really wanted to do one of mark because, well, if you all dont know youre really out of the loop but he's my favorite character and the one i identify the most with (least of all because he's the filmmaker, but thats part of it i guess). but the doodle got better and better and then i scanned it and photoshopped it all together and look!! ^_^

hm. thats not a very good reproduction. he is DEFINITELY not scowling. lol. but it was my first photoshopped, colored drawing that actually turned out looking legit and sick and so forth, so im extremely happy about that. BUT IT GETS BETTER.

anyways, we left LMU at 5:30, sat in about an hour an a half of traffic, signing along racously to RENT and just talking. basically just enjoying the company and good times and so forth. it was kinda the first time i really got to bond with her and it was fun =)). i told her and showed her hte original drawing and the colored ones i had printed. i had printed two: one for him to sign and one to... well give to him! (whats the point in showing him if he doesnt get one!? you know... i was just hoping not to come off as extremely friggin creepy lol). of course im super nervous (i texted amanda: ohmygod! im super excited to be super embarrassing tonight!!) about showing him ... im not big on displaying my art; its probably my biggest downfall.

the show was amazing and fantastic and still makes me want to be inspiring and uplifting to someone someday. watching the girl who played mimi sing "without you" and the duet between mimi and roger "another day" really struck me this time (maybe its because i'm without my "you".... =(( sadness. i was thinking about my tommy allll night. it was saddening). adam pascal sounded sick, but he still sounded great. haha. is it a fail to sound that good even though your voice is kinda just crap (the only reason i can compare is because ive seen him live prior and have listened to teh soundtrack maybe a million and one times. probably more. *shrugg*) it was fun! i got chills everywhere listening to how great everything sounded and seeing how great everything was... man i love RENT.

anyways! i had brought the drawings and i was wondering if it would be at all possible to see the cast, like i had in san francisco (see rent blog #1), so i asked the ushers and they told me that the cast has promised that six members will come out every night to greet fans and sign autographs and such. i was almost CRUSHED. i mean, the cast has about 20 people in it. only six of those? what are the odds that anthony rapp would come out???? (30% for all the non-math majors ^_^) but i said to myself. okay. sadness. but its okay. maybe if he doesnt come out i can give it to one of the other cast members just so that... yea. i dunno what i was thinking. but yea. wierd idea, but hey not so surprising from the person it came from.

so after the show, me and amanda walk around to the back to get in line. and there were two ramps. =/ meaning the odds of seeing him were, yet again, CUT IN HALF. (15% for all the non-math majors). i was SO sad. but still nervous. because 15% is more than 0%. so the girl who played maureen came out. shes adorable and sweet and signed our programs and everything. then we're waiting for hte next person to come out, and i kinda moved to the other side of the ramp and looked up it and i ALMOST screamed. i looked back at amanda and im pretty sure my mouth DROPPED and i was like "O_O amanda! IT'S HIM!!!!" in like a stage-whisper/awed voice. and he's steadily getting closer and i dont know what to do and im getting more and more flustered. i pulled out the drawings and then amanda said she take his picture for me (my cameras a little bitch sometimes so she got some pretty funny ones) while i would try to stumble over my nervous excitement:

its a little out of focus, but honestly, i dont even care. haha me not caring says a lot in-of-itself because im so anal about photos and stuff.

anyways he gets to me and amanda, and he signs amanda's program, but when he gets to me i like shyly pulled out the drawings and was like "uhm, actually, i was wondering if you could sign this for me...... (he's sorta looking at it appreciatively) and uhm, i printed one out for you too" AHAHAHAHAH ohmygod i was SO EMBARRASSING. i love it. im pretty sure i couldnt even look him in the eye. but his response is what makes my LIFE. he's looking at it (and yes, he signed it) and he says to me: "you know, i get a lot of fan art, and i can honestly say that this is one of the best i've ever seen" NO. LIE. you know, even if he was just saying that to be nice and whatever (which, i dunno, not to brag, but he sounded sincere), i could have, and still probably can have, died happy on the spot. then and there. ohmygoodness i was so flustered. im pretty sure all i could get out of my mouth was like thank you. i wish i could have been more intelligible and been like "your character has really inspired me and i admire your work so much because i think you're a brilliant actor" something a little bit more coherent and sensible and NOT idiotically fangirly. hopefully the drawing says it all. thatd make me happy. haha

what makes it even better is that, he had to continue signing stuff and so forth, so he moves on to the next little group of people in line and i dunno if he had just finished signing their papers and so forth, but he sorta turns back to me and asks, "was this digitally rendered, or how...?" and by that time i had already been in full heart attack mode for probably a good five minutes because well... haha yea, just read above again and itll make sense. so i stuttered and got flustered (again) but somehow managed some version of: "oh i sketched it, scanned it and the painted it in photoshop." and then he complimented it again and went on his merry way. and i wanted to cry i was so happy. ahhahaahaha

i'm kinda glad his agent or whatever didnt let him stop for pictures or something cuz im not so sure i would have survived that. im not even kidding when i say i was basically weak-kneed after that. i was so happy that he was so nice and sincere, albeit tired (which is TOTALLY understandable because he's just spent the previous 3 hours in crazy, frantic song and dance). amanda was really interested that he seemed like an introvert, all quiet and all.... but hey theres something i understand right there... separation from the stage personality. lol. *sigh* i'm just super happy that 1. i got his autograph on my drawing (which almost seems counter-intuitive, but it does have my art signature on the bottom) and that 2. he's a sincere, nice, humble guy. makes me SO freaking happy that im not looking up to a character who's real life actor is an ass in real life ^_^

yea, so essentially, that in itself has made my day, my week, my month, my year, and probably my life (JAY-KAY!!!!) but it really did at least make my week, which is kinda cool considering that my week's been pretty amazing so far anyways. i dont really want to say its put my life into perspective, but at the very least, its given me something to be extremely thankful for and something for me to think back to when i need to stay calm and happy (like today, when i lost my onecard and then missed an hour of class wandering UHall, more or less, aimlessly looking for it. i was oddly unfrantic and calm and kinda okay with everythign even though my onecard pouch has a few valuables)

yea so RENT has, once again, inspired goals: to inspire someone and help make a positive difference in someone's life, to be sincere and kind and humble no matter what experiences i have, and to be happy about the little things and to be calm when the little not-so-good things pop up at me (aka know that the little bad things are not that big of a deal and that they will be resolved).

epic eternal happiness ^_^ Thank you, Anthony Rapp.

--Tifanie

"december 24th, 10 P.M., eastern standard time, i can't believe a year went by so fast. time to see, time to see what we have" -- Mark Cohen, RENT

isn't it kinda odd that it's october (again) already? so much has shifted. changed. gone straight down the toilet. come up outta nowhere. i mean, think about it. last semester this time, i was having problems with steph, half-crushing on a 27-year-old, pining for my tommy, completely okay with LMU, not homesick at all, and completely stable. now, same time this semester, i'm (still) having problems with steph, completely despise that now-28-year-old, i'm WITH my tommy, am extremely uncomfortable being at LMU, and terribly homesick, havent found stability, and am making so many new best friends.

problems with steph last year: cuz she wanted to transfer SO FUCKING BADLY. and thus had very little consideration for the people she would be leaving behind.;; this year, its cuz, she again, wants to get away from campus, but because she's "scared of swine flu". ugh. a half-legit reason, but she could just tell the truth and say she hates campus. i still dont understand why she wanted to room here anyways in the first place. still has very little consideration for the people she's leaving behind, but im almost 100% sure she doesnt care about anyone except for her and roger. *sigh* oh yea, forgot about that thing with roger that was happening last year at this time. obviously, THATS changed. ive partially given up. hopefully im not stuck with another roommate next semester and then ill have the whole room to myself. id really enjoy that.... i could move shit around and finally have room to myself. it's like ever since she and roger got together, i dont exist. ... i havent had a conversation with her when roger's in the room in weeks..... i almost wonder if thats how she treats all her friends when she gets a boyfriend. i just dont understand.

that "older man" problem: i guess it wasnt one last year. but kinda it was because he fell in love with an illusion. it makes me sick now, infatuation. its just so fake and untrue.... when steph told me later about his new boyfriend, what the fuck was i supposed to think? i made him gay? oh well that helps my self-esteem a lot. he just... didnt understand me when he thought he knew so much about me and knew me inside out and could be there for me. but it turns out he was the immature one. fuck it, i mean.... i cant... explain how much it affected me, because the people who know about it are never around (by definitely no fault of their own!... my bad haha). but its given me a mildly hilarious pathological fear of giving out my xanga for people to read. i mean... i dont talk to the outside world for a reason, and letting people read my xanga is way too much of a vision into myself for me to let anyone close to me read this. i swear, haha its gonna be people who actually care (i.e. tiffy ^_^) and like my husband when im older. lol

i'm WITH my tommy. HAPPINESS! thats all that need to be said ^_^. last year was TERRIBLE. "tim mcgraw" by taylor swift was literally the story of my life. i could write out all the points that said it all, but thatd be the whole song. but my favorite line: "september saw a month of tears; i'm thankin' god that you weren't here to see me like that, and in a box beneath my bed is a letter that you never read, from three summers back". .... let's just say im happy that thats over.

problems with being at LMU: well, i mean, this is partly my fault, but im working in rosecrans again. there's too much that happened here. the paint stains are still on the floor from that one art session on halloween. i keep fearing that he's gonna walk in again. or nathan. or someone's gonna try to force me to talk about stuff again, try to look into my soul and empthize and only for the reason that they "love" me. i HATE being the wounded girl, but i mean, i cant deny thats what i am anymore... im just putting up an even tougher front so no one will see that im stressed and that i essentially hate this place and that im just plain scared to walk across campus by myself. its been impossible to sleep and i never feel safe anymore unless im with the two guys who always pretend to flirt with me. or my big's crush. theyre all guys. funny. i miss the beginning of last year. i miss the end of august until the end of october, when EVERYTHING was safe and simpler and there was no reason to be afraid. but i mean.... i guess that's college. cold knock into reality.

homesickness: i wanst homesick last year because i wanted to get away from high school and being the nerd and whatever. i didnt go out much last summer and i didnt have a big group of people to look back to at home. nick.... but he was at chico. my brother, but he was in san diego. my parents were at home, but i can call them whenever... but this summer. i hung out with tiffy like every day. the LITs were a family in of themselves. i have so much to look BACK to.... this summer just made going back to school hurt so much MORE.... i guess it doesnt really help that i can crawl back to my niche or my hole of a room because being there when steph and roger are there just makes me uncomfortable. i give up. i really do. ive only felt okay for longer whenever my bike's flying down the road at like 50 miles an hour. or... driving in my car. i feel like i'm home....

sanity: well, thats overrated anyways. heh.

new friends: well, i cant really hang out with steph anymore can i? im like a planet without a sun suddenly. ive realized how much i put my life on hold for her last year, first semester especially, because she just NEEDED so much. my life revolved around how steph was feeling and making her feel better because if she wasnt happy, i couldnt be. and now that she's completely happy she doesnt give a shit about me. well fuck that, im making new(ish) friends. and im so much happier than i was last year, its strange. well, its not strange, it just feels strange. but while shes canoodling with roger, im befriending the suitemates she so avidly hates (even though she professes to like everyone.... its a pretty well-put-together front. ill give her credit for that) and im enjoying it. and im befriend ing zach, which is pretty much incredible. but what am i supposed to do when ive essentially lost my best friend to "the guy of her dreams". cant compete with hormones. dicks before chicks, obviously.

ugh. im just a bitter seflish bitch tonight. oh well. im not lying when i say i'm happy. and more or less content. life's been hectic, but id rather not spend too much time in my own room. isnt that terrible? i mean.... my parents are spending a ton of money for me to have a room and a bathroom, and i'm only in there to restock on/switch school necessities, sleep, shower, and occasionally watch a bit of tv while i pray steph and roger just stay the fuck out and do wahtever

yuck passive aggressiveness. lol. but its okay. hopefully she just moves out and i end up either having a room of my own or i get a roomie whos not.... needy like her.

*sigh* that was a completely pointless rant. so now its done

other news: i got my computer and all my data back! (yayyyy!). i left my overhead light in my car on and the engine ran out of juice and proceeded to die on me (lol). ive started my evening coat/peacoat perusing (to a little bit of success). i'm procrastinating on homework as i write this (but c'mon, what's new about that). visited tiffy last saturday (saw love happens. decent story, kinda slow, pretty predictable. really liked the soundtrack). had a crazy friday night (woke up zach, tried iggy's but it was way too packed, so biked to ihop and had sudden inspiration and continued to bike to the movies and see whip it [pretty good for a directorial debut (drew barrymore's). a little slow but ellen page is a screen charmer, not gonna lie]. got back at 1 a.m., definitely meant to go to bed at 10 because i got like 3 hours of sleep a night this week. kinda upsetting, but really fun night so i dont complain). had a nicely spontaneous saturday with clare once my car got fixed (the bridge, gave up on color me mine and movies, went to whimsic ally and santa monica to look for coats. amanda got sick so we bought a card at barnes and noble and i got a yoga mat and we tried to visit her at the clinic. pretty entertaining)

*sigh* i have (for the most part because waiting for the tow truck to get her was a bore and kinda annoying cuz it took so long) had an enjoyable and very satisfying weekend ^_^

--Tifanie

" I'VE got my  m e  m   o    r     i      e       s/ always <<<inside>>> of ME/ but I can't go k...c...a...b, back to how it was/ I believe now/ I'VE come too far/ I can't go K...C...A...B, back to how it was/ created for a place I'VE never known// this is home/ now I'M finally where I belong, where I belong/ yea, this is home/ i've been searching for a place of my own/ and NOW I'VE FOUND IT/ maybe this is home/ yea, this is HOME//   BELIEF >>> misery      / I'VE seen the enemy/ but I can't go K...C...A...B, back to how it was/ and I'VE got my <3 set on [[what happens next  (...?)]]/ I'VE got my eyes wide open; it's not over yet/ WE'RE a miracle/ & WE'RE not alone//  this is home/ now I'M finally where I belong, where I belong/ yea, this is home/ i've been searching for a place of my own/ and NOW I'VE FOUND IT/ maybe this is home/ yea, this is HOME// and NOW, after all my s.e..a.r..c.h..i.n..g.../ after all my ??'s/ I'M gonna call it home/ I'VE got a brand new mindset/ I can finally see the sunset/ I'M gonna call it home// this is home/ now I'M finally where I belong, where I belong/ yea, this is home/ i've been searching for a place of my own/ and NOW I'VE FOUND IT/ maybe this is home/ yea, this is HOME// now I know/ yea, this is home/ I'VE come too far/ and I won't go back// yea this is HOME..."

so much of hte song is spot on about tahoe. haha if i tried quoting every part that fit perfectly, id end up just rewriting the song again... haha but might as well, right?

"i've got my memories/
always inside of me/
but i can't go back, back to how it was/
i believe now/
i've come too far/
i can't go back, back to how it was"

memories might fade, but the experience is forever carried back to... well, society. it's undeniable the power that that retreat has. i dont think anyone goes on that retreat without getting changed a little bit. usually for the better too ^_^ it changes mindsets and gives people the power to believe... man, and i dont even speak from hear say. it happened to me and i know its happened to friends of mine...

the beauty and sadness of it is that i feel so in sync with everyone there, and the bond lasts past tahoe, but at the same time, its so hard to reconnect sometimes because ... i dunno, ive changed, and i wish the world would change with me, but it really actually just sorta stays the same... but no matter what, and i know this has happened to me five separate times (for five separate tahoes) i CAN'T go back. i just want to continue with and in the Spirit... heh... the last half of the verse is especially true for my first tahoe... its so nice to look back and sort of recognize how far i've come since then in faith ^_^

"this is home/
now i'm finally where i belong,where i belong/
yea this is home/
i've been searching for a place of my own/
now i've found it/
maybe this is home/
yea this is home"

well, quite honestly... that's it... tahoe really ends up proving to the participants that home is where the heart is; a house is not automatically a home because its where you reside... home is... a place where you're touched by GOD and you end up not being able to go "back to how it was". but it ends up being okay because then home becomes the most special place that you can carry around in your heart... it's like finally finding the one place you're happiest....

i mean... who isn't searching for a little place to belong... that's what it's like... it really is a lot like searching and searching and hoping and wishing and then finding the exact perfect place where you can be happy. and you belong. at least thats what it feels to me. i could be sooo cheesy and just say "oh yea everyone's really nice and accepting and happy together" but its so much deeper than that. its like no matter how crappy life is getting, there's a ... ambiance to the place. its peaceful and relaxing and ... positive. i mean id be lying if i said it was all happy all the time, because obviously some people are extremely emotional about some stuff at tahoe, but the atmosphere is not just happy, but positive. i really do feel at home there...

"belief over misery/
i've seen the enemy/
but i can't go back, back to how it was/
i've got my heart set/
on what happens next/
i've got my eyes wide open; it's not over yet/
we're a miracle, and we're not alone"

tahoe gives the power and gift of belief. if you choose to take it, its yours. and can be yours forever if you want it... we're kids there. just kids. we see the world how it is, how unhappy and hurting it is... yet we still hope, especially after tahoe.... at least for me, it's beyond inspiring to see everyone together and praying and hoping... i dont really think anyone actually ever goes "back" to the rest of the world... as weird as that sounds. we're always praying and hoping for something better... i have come back with my heart set. just on being a better person for and to the rest of the world... it really is an eye opening experience.

haha oh and if you tell me that getting 200+ kids from all different parishes and all different, potentially rival schools and areas, as well as 60+ adults who may or may not always get along to be thrown together isnt a miracle, i dont know what is. only by GOD'S grace, folks. and the Spirit that moves in just five days... thats defintely something to behold. definitely somewhere near a miracle. and, of course... we're never alone. ^_^

"and now, after all my searching/
after all my questions/
i'm gonna call it home/
i've got a brand new mindset/
i can finally see the sunset/
i'm gonna call it home/
...
now i know/
yea this is home/
i've come too far, and i won't go back/
yea this is home"

like i said before... we all come searching. all come with questions... about ourselves, about others, about out faith, about our choices, about our experiences.... sure, tahoe doesnt necessarily answer them all, but it certainly gives you a lot to think about, which probably helps with some of those questions, id guess... ive left with that "brand new mindset"... you know, positivity and such... happiness ends up being contagious and one hell of a lot better than being annoyed or upset or bitching all the time... and happiness, being truly happy (which is what tahoe really makes me feel) ends up leading to contentment. just being calm and free and just... at peace... which is a rare commodity a lot of the time these days

haha, and of course "i can finally see the sunset"... lake tahoe has some of the MOST beautiful sunsets... recommendation to anyone and everyone, even if tahoe retreat isn't an option: GO. TO. TAHOE. TO. SEE. A. SUNSET. its goregous ^_^

*sigh* i could sit here for hours trying to explicate the song, and thus trying to explain tahoe, but as much fun as it would be, as much insight as it might give me, it'd be futile. i did sit here trying to explain tahoe... and thus i did explicate the song, but it still was futile. haha... i think tahoe is something only experienced. i think anyone who went to tahoe will be able to read this and completelyunderstand what im talking about ... and they'll be able to understand everything that i havent said because its really... inexplainable.

haha i guess tahts my conclusion then: tahoe is completely inexplainable.

*cough* and thats exactly why you should go on it. hahaha

--Tifanie